World-renowned Canadian person, prolific marijuana-doer, and winner of the 2015 MTV Movie Award for “Best Kiss” Seth Q. Rogen has entered into a lifetime deal to transfer full ownership of his personal autonomy to Netflix, Inc.
“I have known Seth for many years” said senior Netflix Development Executive Jareth Chumley. “After a wrap party in late 2017, Seth approached me and said something like ‘Jesus Fucking Christ Jarbear, I would sell my soul for a fuckin enchilada right now.’ And so basically that was how the idea was born. In the end we settled on a price a little higher than a standard Chili’s To-Go entree, but I’ll be damned, not by that much.”
“As a general rule, I don’t really ‘read’ anything before I sign it,” replied Rogen when asked about the deal, spilling some beer on his own head as he does the finger-symbol equivalent of air quotes. “That’s what Danny is for, he handles that for me, mostly,” gesturing toward an elderly man in a poncho sleeping on the couch behind him. “Hey Danny!” he shouts, unable to wake his senior contract advisor. “I really hope he didn’t fuck this up. He’s the reason that Zach and Miri Make a Porno exists.”
Seth Rogen’s Hilarity for Charity is the first project where Netflix was able to successfully extract comedy directly from the actor’s mind. It will stream April 6. While the remaining projects Rogen will be participating in have not yet been finalized, Netflix is considering a live-action Shrek remake, starring Rogen as both the titular character, as well as that character’s love interest Fiona. There will also be other tasks considered, including some off-camera roles such as “executive foot massager” and “Quentin’s back waxer”. “The world really is our oyster here,” said Netflix Chief Operations Officer Karen Shartwell. “There really isn’t anything on earth that we can’t make him do.”
About Seth Rogen
Seth P. Rogen is the celebrated writer / actor / director of such highly acclaimed films as Superbad, Pineapple Express and Sausage Party – one of the first films ever to anthropomorphize various kinds of processed meat products. He can regularly be found rubbing elbows with entertainment’s elite, ranging from auteur Tommy Wiseau to famed actor James Franco, famed actor James Franco’s brother, and famed actor James Franco’s mom.
Rogen was first discovered by acclaimed producer and director Judd Apatow for his television series Freaks and Geeks, an interaction Seth insists he does not remember. He is also the winner of many, many awards, such as the MTV Movie Award for “Best Jawdropper,” and has been nominated for even more, including a 2008 Blimp Award, a 2009 Teen Choice Award for “Worst Beard”, and a bunch of Canadian Awards that aren’t on the web yet because of Canada’s well-publicized internet shortage. He is often lauded in Hollywood circles for his fancy “Blunts and Jizz Jokes” cocktail parties, and is regularly featured on the popular website “Twitter.”
Rogen is, as he puts it, “a bigtime supporter” of charities. In addition to his actually great work with the annual Hilarity for Charity variety show, he is also known for founding such groundbreaking organizations such as “Fingers 4 Hope”, which collects uneaten chicken fingers from local restaurants, and “Seth’s Place,” which serves milk in bags to Canadians having trouble acclimating to American culture.
Netflix is the world’s leading internet entertainment service with just a whole bunch of members in over 190 countries “enjoying” more than 140 million hours of TV shows and movies per day, including original series, documentaries and feature films. Members can watch as much as they want, anytime, anywhere, on nearly any internet-connected screen. Members can allow their precious, limited time on earth to pass them by while re-watching The Office for the 800th time – all with the ability to play, pause and resume watching without commercials or commitments. Also we have DVDs still.